Itz lik nt fukin dark itz lik nt fukin lite WtMf!
by catonspeed
Summary: Twilight from Mike’s POV. If he was a ghetto hoodrat from the dirty streets of Brixton, England, who fell for and wooed Bella in his own special way Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009 entry DaRe yOu ReAd tHe CrAcK! i dare you...


**The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009**

**Title:** Itz lik nt fukin dark itz lik nt fukin lite. WtMf!

**Pen name:** catonspeed

**Pairing:** Mike/Bella

**Summary:** Twilight from Mike's POV. If he was a ghetto hoodrat from the dirty streets of Brixton, England, who fell for and wooed Bella in his own special way.

**Disclaimer:** Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. But I take great pleasure in bastardising them for my own sick and twisted pleasure. This idea can be blamed on the chavs who were hanging around outside the cinema after I saw New Moon. I was just an innocent bystander as their waves of chaos fuckery impacted my brain.

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**AN. For those who have stumbled in here expecting a work of literary genius, please stop. Stop right now. Actually... don't! Find yourself something with an alcohol content of 40% or more, turn up some blazin' ghetto bad boy tunes and get comfortable. Because this is the shit-est shit you'll hopefully ever read (**_crosses fingers and prays to the crapfic gods_**). This is an entry to a competition that wants the worst thing you can write. So that's what I did. Much love goes out to Clurrabella (claire) who i inflicted this fuckery on for beta'ing. I love you long time, and so does mike ;)**

**So read on my doves, and prepare to have your brain damaged. Maybe bookmark this, so you can come back and look when you think that chapter you put out was totes shite... because this will stay here as a pillar of remembrance that someone somewhere wrote something shitter than you. You can thank me by leaving a review he he!**

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**Mike POV**

Mike wuz a bad assd muthafuka legend wiv a monsta annannaconda schlong.

BitcheZ wantd 2 suk him and his boyz wnted 2 hold hiz jock strapp. He ruld the streetz of stainz on hiz trikd out moped. It hd blu neonz undneaf it an waz all pimp n shit. Mike hd hiz priorititys strait - he wuz all bout incresin hiz paper stack, n kept hiz crew in qalitty gudz frm hiz uncle mike newton tha 126th. tha wrld waz hiz playgrnd an mike wuz a maja pla**ya. an in **da wrds of da l8 gr8 big poppa - god rest hiz soul - u gotta let a playa play. coz pimpin 8int eezzee.

All wuz gud in mikeville. As it shld b. cauze he was da bigbawla of mikeville.

butt 1day a new ho cum 2 forkz hi. It wuz a tuezday. He had had had 8 blojobz an rided 5 hoez b4 tha bell rung. a nornal day (cuz i wuz lik a fukin king an culd go all day lik that. BRAAAAP!$!$!)

all tha ovfa hoez wer lik fukin mingaz nxt2 her. she had major DSLz dat wuld make devine brwn go all paris Hilton on a bitch, an ass dat had cushion4 the pushin, an legz that wuld look blazin in clear healz wrkin a pole like it wuz his dik.

mike wuz tranz...

Mike wuz dazz...

mike wuz... Hard! _Yeah that's totes what mike would say – high five yourself Lucy! Booyah!_ hard lik bruce muthafukin leee

mike didnt c her cum up 2 him cuz he wu_z finkin_ bout her legz wrapd round hiz ripd waist. But den she wuz lik just ther, loukin at him an hiz bli**ng an shit. Mike wuz warin hiz mink an airforcz1s 2day. He lukd lik a whyte fukhotta fiddypentz. tha nigga had nuffin on mike, mike culd teach him sum trix. TRUFAX fo-shore.**

"Hi Im Bella Swan can you tell me where the office is? Im new and Im quite lost do you think you could offer me some assistance?"

Bitchz face wnt red, red lik a hoez ass aftr mike hd spnkd it, an spnkd it hard. Wit his bling didn't undRst& a wrd dat came outa her mouf ova dat "ass', bt dat wuz ok, she wouldn't B UzN it 4 tlkN.

"I don't knw wotU jst zed, bt ur fyn bella, anytym u wn2 ride on mike LMK an IL fit u iN2 my skedyool"

bella lukd dazed by d wrds cmng outa hs mouf. she shd, mike wz a wrd ninjah o**f da hyest ordA lik dat. he openD hs mouf n ppl swallowed whatevah ca**me ot. Hiz dick 2. Which wuz massif BTW. U culd c it frm space.

bella wuz lukin all awkward n sht, bitin her DSLz hard – she blatez wantz 2b bitin on ma cock instead & id let her 4sho. But if shee usd 2much teeth mike wud hav2 nock dem out. she wuz mumbleding somit an stuk ot her h& in thnx. C she totez wntz a ride on da mike xprs.

wotz dis tho?

A snickers…

BLUDFIYA! fuK dat!!!

tha on1y nutz mike wtd 2Ci n ny1s mouf wer hiz own. An he wuz hugely allerdgik 2dem. Wuz bitch trippin?!?

mike drew out hiz peace n shot d sht outa da offendn wrapper, whilst it wuz n her h&. he wz jst dat Fkng gud shot. da prezidnt of all americka wntd him 2B hiz bodyguard bt mike Culdnt be fukd wit dat. He hd bitchez 2nail an produk 2shift. Tha prez wuldnt b able2 keep up wit mike newayZ an if u cnt rollz wit tha big dogz u gotta stay on da porch. _Respect!_

bella lukd fukin sad at him, butt mike wuz confednt tha he wuld make her one hapy bitch soon.

satisfied dat he had securedz fucha (_!_) Wit hiz potenchul wifey mike wlkD 2 klas takN xtra care on hisz gansta lean so bella cUd wach hs (_!_) stop drop n roll WiT evry step.

mike turnD da entrance 2 da skool, hidN Bhnd hiz kanye west shutta shadzs, n saw cull_en tlkN 2 bella - if cullen wznt a gaylord _mike w%d av arranged 2hv him taken out 4 tlkN 2her. he w%d put da wrd out dat nobdy wuz2 tuch her.

mike didn't do 2nds.

Evr

FACT.

**_Note to self: you're out of milk lucy. Oh and rum. Also, plan new jump war attack on flatmate, and meet with the justice league. Remember to bring up Kal-El's_ _dirty tights - he keeps leaving them on the floor of the lair, and i'm_ _not picking that shit up, I don't care if he can laser_ _beam my ass. That shit just doesn't fly._**

Mike cruzd da halls, lukin at his kingdum. Yeh. She wuz hung up on hiz jock allready. Mike new. All the bichez wer. How culd they not be. He wuz fukhott and wel manly and hard az fukin nailz. An hiz moped wuz da dopest ride in town – he'd just add hydraulicks an culd lowa it up n down n shit. an da horn plyd trina pull ova wen he tootd tha bitch at da laydez

lukin bac on it, mike shuda taken her N2 d janitors closet on d 1st dy. coz cullen wz ll ovr her n mike Culdnt gt nr her (!) when he went lukin 4hed frm her at lunch. B4 mike culd get 2da table belz was whold up at cullenzs bigA oldA fudge pakin bro** threatened him. mike wznt scarred, he jst didn't want2B raped in da parkN lot. he'd Ceen dat hpn. nobdy wuz getN nr da** poop hole.

Belz caut mikez i &lukd sad. she wuz totez jus faghaggin 4 cullen – he didn't hav Ne frendz or bitchez – fukin drk dayz bruv. That wuld hav2 stop tho but it wuz kool she wuznt all bout tha cheddah. hed let her cumm sumtimz. may b. he wuz a gentleman lik that. like r kelly. or chris brown – he didn't kare cot ne1 said. Dey wer alwrite wit him.

but mike cldnt get neer her. 4 dayz he tryd & wuz cockblokd evrytim3

Mike tryd 2folow dem outsid skool but Cullenz whip wuz hidin sum srs juice unda da hood of da reliant robin he **rolld in. an h**e wuz always in da fukin wudz – fuk dat! nature culd suk mikez dick ther wer lik fukin bugz an shit an fukin woolves in der. Fuk dat! fuk dat up da batty hole. Hiz boyz followd dem when mike had srs bsns 2do so mike new dat they wuz on1y doin dis holdin hands fukry. Wot a benda. Mike wud hav had bellz spred wyde on hiz moped by da 1st break. But she wuz happy an mike wuz getin gud hed frm sum wild nav-hoez bitchz on da rez so let it slide 4now.

Mike did wot he cld 2 protek his bitch 4 now tho, n when tyler nrly kild her wit hiz van, mike hd hiz balz removd an they wer hngin frm mikes rearvie**w mirroar, an now smeld lik frezia – lik bella. Mike new dis cause he stole her thong 1day in gim – mike snif**fd dem when he wuz ridin a hoe so he culd pikture belz on da end of his cock. Ovawiz mike cldnt get off an dis wuz nt akceptable

so Mike went out.

Shiftd produk.

Got layd.

A lot.

An den layd sum mor.

den Cullen left.

Dems all lft. an bellz wuz all mikes again.

Der wuz this brwn kid, but mike culd tak him. him An hiz wheely dad. Mike new karatay! He'd ceen da movie wit dat kid 2wice – an da seekwel. Wax on wax off bitchez - mike likd to aply that filosophy 2hiz hoez 2.

so mike wtched. N weighted.

Fuk all hapnd. so mike didnt giva shit.

mths went by.

it snowd a lot, wich pisd mike rite off, coz it fukD W hs wyt trainers, n dat sht wznt appreci8d. all. Snow culd suk hiz cock. Ther** wr** a few hpE wks whr he wz stil reliving d glory of face punch, n face punching evry1 n syt, whilst yellin face punch (_go team face punch!!!!_). bt otherwys it wuz usual bsns. drinkN, Fukng, rating (_!_), lerning 2 play da glockenspiel nyt

bella wz stil miserable - n mike didn't do fugly pastee week lukin bitchz - he likdem 2B abL 2 handl hiz ruff. Mike wuz an ass man, an bella had had had da best 1 he'd ceen,wel not in a prono moviefilm. he triD evryting, frm breakN iN2 her crib n lEaviN her hiz man thongz, 2 filling her locker Wit kinky bondage wear dat he'd got frm hs uncL a specl price – on1y da best4her.

nutin wrkd.

bt 1day bella strtd 2 l%k btr, put sum weigt bak on n gained dat (_!_) bac. she strtd 2 wear realy btifl clothS dat mike had seen on da jenna jamieson Websitez, &mre thaN 1nces cort a glimps of da kinky undies he'd lft her wen she wz bending **ovr 2 gt f**ings outa her locker. mike cort her repeatedly eying hs PKG.

yeh, t'wuz bac on bak on lik donki kong bitch. Mike shvd hiz ballz 2b rdy.

**_Catonspeed_ _sat back on the whipping bench in Master Kitty's cage. Mmmmm_ _padded - that'll be a lot easier on my ass... and set down the crack pipe, surveying the mounted doves that adorned the walls. They were a very nice addition, made it feel homey._**

**_She held the smoke deep down in her lungs._**

**_Thaaaaaaaaaaat's_ _some goooooooood_ _shiiiiit. _**

**_Cuddlecock_ _had hooked them up with her supplier. Bitch had contacts, that crack was certified grade 'A' wild Columbian gold!!!_**

**_Blowing the last of the wisps of smoke out through her nose, she got ready to zip up the oneshot_ _and send it straight to Hollywood, instead of NCChris_ _for beta'ing. She'd only want a cut when the book and subsequent movie deal was made, and catonspeed_ _needed the money to get the rest of the alterations made to the cage - maybe install a frappe latte maker, or hire a sub to keep kitty busy. She'd heard jaspersizzy_ _and missmaj_ _were looking for entry into their marriage - she made a note to drop them a line later about attending an interview. They'd need to test their limits. It would be a who_ _mounts first wins affair..._**

**_How to wrap up the ending though...? She leant back on one elbow and sucked on that pencil like it was mike's monster schlong, looking around the cage for inspiration, her eyes alighting on the clock._**

**_HOLYSHIIT!!!!! X factor started in 5 minutes!!!_**

**_Ummmmmmm......._**

So mike wuz shavd an pakin srs rock ard steal In hiz pantz. He neded in her spunk buket. so Mike brought out a big gunz.

It wuz suny 4 1nce so evry1 wuz eatin in da outside place for eatin. Mike rolld up on hiz moped an revd da enjin b4 turnin on hiz boombox dat hed gaffa tapd 2da front an strtd 2 dazzl bellzes pantz off with vanilla icez an bodypoppin – mike wuz on fya **an all da bitchez went wild and ther wuz a massiv orgy in tha cafetereia. mike had a go on . Evn mrs cope-a-feel. She wuz a kinky h00r an mike didn't discrimin8 – vintage pussy culd be gud. **

Den mike remembrd y he wuz here & puld out of copez poonani an notizd wot Bellz wuz wernin. She had stripd down 2 a pvc corsit wiv ruba thi hiz an a whip. mike hit da spechule buton on hiz moped an da extendededable poll cum out da bak of it.. bella crwld 2him acros da flr lik a fukin pizd off tiger. Mike trnd tha mobil club ap on on hiz ifone an da lights lukd blazin on her skin when he held it up close2her. she reachd out an put in a new cassett an den climd on hiz dick an wuz ridin it lik it wuld put her threw collage, her pink taco slidin up an down, up an down an whizprd da wrds of da song in hiz ear

IANA whore

IANA whore

IANA whore

IA**NA whore **

**IANA whore **

**IANA whore **

bt I lk 2 do it

she new LMFAO. Belz wuz a bd grl. Mike puld off da corsit lik he wuz bitin threw pillowz – fking eeezz. She wuz touchin her baps an grindin all ova mike b4 he flipd her ova da vynl seat of da mikemobil and slid in2 her ass. It wuz tite an mike rowd it lik he wuz runnin frm da po po.

mike came 29 timez in a row.

It went on4 dayz an when he fynaly loked rond da brown boy an all of forkz wus watchin da 2of dem fukin like animalz at _da zoo. Wheely 2 - hiz hand _wuz al ova hiz cock watchin cope go dwn on mr bannar. Dirty injan.

Den a priest apperd an MiKe an belz got marrid whilst mikez dik wuz still cuddlecockd up her ass.

in 3mnthz Dey had 2kidz that luked nuffing lik mike, and got a house in flo-rida where mike screwd nanny lacy on the weekndz an Claire da cook when belz wuz out. Bitch wuz wild an likd all kindz a kikny fukd up shit. she had sum ting wit doves, but gave gud hed so whteva.[Claire Do1]

The end.

p.s Edward wuz lst ceen performin a 1man tranny show in vegas and now answrd to the name of tanya and wuz datin a man called tiny hoo had jus dun a 10stetrch at gitmo.

Cuz he waz gay lik dat.

pussy.

wait. Cullen didn't li**k pussy.,,, he wuz a massiffv gay.**

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**Loved it? Hated it? Leave me a review and let me know how shit you thought this was - I can't wait to see what you thought! he he!**

**L x**


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